Uchiha Sasuke’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he got out of his bed in Otogakure no Sato (Village Hidden in Sound) and found a pile of coal bigger than he was in his room. Exiting out the room he gaped at the sight of a coal dust covered Kabuto walking past him and peeked into the silver haired medic nin’s room to find a mountain of coal that had apparently fallen over on Kabuto as he tripped on a stray piece while exiting the room and smashed into it. A light step behind Sasuke had him turn to see Kabuto wearing a surgeon’s mask and protective goggles while holding the same items out to him in one hand while the other hand held two large shovels and a Sound Genin was leading a line of ninja pushing wheelbarrows behind the medic nin. “What’s this for?” asked the Uchiha.

“We have to dig out Orochimaru-sama, his room is always filled with coal each year,” said Kabuto calmly.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone!

“Kabuto, where is Sasuke-kun?” asked Orochimaru.

“He’s hiding under the bed in his room Orochimaru-sama, he refuses to come out even when I said we had Itachi tied up and ready to be killed,” said the silver haired medic nin.

“I’ll go see if I can get him out with a new jutsu offer,” said the snake master. Making his way to Sasuke’s room, Orochimaru grinned as he sensed Sasuke was indeed under the bed. “Sasuke-kun, I’ve got something for you,” declared Orochimaru.

And then… ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

Sasuke burst out from under the bed with a cry of, “Die fan girl! Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu (Fire Style: Grand Fireball Technique)!” Sasuke’s fire ball was big enough to engulf the surprised Orochimaru entirely and he barely avoided the barrage of kunai and shuriken that came next. Sasuke ran past his mentor and spent the rest of the day attacking anyone who said they had something for him.

“What is wrong with Sasuke-kun?” demanded Orochimaru as he finished changing into a clean outfit.

“I’ve been evaluating his behavior and it appears to be a defensive mechanism against unwanted female attention,” said Kabuto as he pulled down a chart. On the chart where several random girls. “This is the dreaded fan girl, who pursues all that is Bishounen, cute, fuzzy, dark, or angsty. Having a combination of these traits only increases the attraction of the subject in the fan girl’s mind. Sasuke-kun happens to have the bishounen, dark, and angsty characteristics. During his years in Konoha, he was relentlessly chased by these fan girls and hence has a huge dislike for holidays like Valentine’s day. He’s reacting to anyone offering him something like they are a fan girl and trying to kill them. I think he’s currently hiding in the snake pens since he thinks girls don’t like snakes.”

“Hmmm, I’ll have to make sure this doesn’t carry over when I take his body, I would hate to destroy anyone trying to give me information or news,” muttered Orochimaru.

Akatsuki hide out

“Come on Itachi, you’re an S-class Nuke-nin, you shouldn’t be hiding in the closet,” said Kisame and he tried to get his partner to stop acting like a rookie Genin.

“Can’t come out, fan girls will get me! I’ll live on lint and dust for the rest of my life!” declared Itachi’s muffled voice through the closet door.

“Still haven’t gotten him to come out?” asked Sasori as he walked by, for once not in any of his giant puppets.

“Nope, any luck with Deidara?” asked Kisame.

“He’s sealed his room up with clay and threatened to blow the whole thing up if he hears a female voice,” said the puppet master.

“I’LL DO IT TO! UN!” yelled the clay user.

“I know, that’s why I’m going to kill any girls entering the hide out!” yelled Sasori.

“Good! Just beware the horde, un!” said Deidara.

“Horde?” muttered Sasori as he reached the entrance to the hide out and opened the final door to see what his partner meant. Outside were thousands of women, both kunoichi and civilian, holding heart shaped boxes and cards. Sasori immediately slammed the door shut and put his most gruesome puppets as guards before running back to the main area.

“Did you kill them?” asked Kisame.

“I didn’t expect that many, not even with all my puppets could I take that horde,” declared the puppet master before he proceeded to raid the fridge for sake. It took him ten bottles to remember his body was a puppet and he couldn’t get drunk, at which point he started peppering the air with colorful four letter words since he couldn’t forget this humiliation.

Kisame meanwhile was enjoying the fresh salmon sushi his long time mermaid girl friend had sent him a few weeks ago knowing his fellow Akatsuki members would force them to go into hiding for the holiday.